FOR HELPERS
Worried about someone you care about?
Maybe you've seen something you couldn't put words to. Here's how to understand it — and how to stay close without pushing her away.
Explore the wheel for her
What you may notice from the outside
One of these on its own may not mean much. A pattern of them is worth paying attention to.
- She seems anxious about upsetting him, or checks his mood before she speaks.
- She has to answer his calls or texts right away, or check in about where she is.
- You see her less. Plans get canceled, often at the last minute.
- He puts her down, corrects her or makes "jokes" at her expense in front of others.
- She has little money of her own, or has to ask him before spending.
- She seems less confident than she used to be, or apologizes a lot.
- She explains away his behavior, or says it's her fault.
Each part of the Power and Control Wheel shows what this can look like from the inside, and what she may be telling herself.
Things you can say
- “I'm here for you, whenever you want to talk.”
- “That doesn't sound okay. You don't deserve to be treated that way.”
- “I believe you.”
- “It's not your fault.”
- “What would help you right now?”
- “You don't have to decide anything today.”
Then listen more than you talk. She may not be ready to open up the first time — that's okay. Let her know the door stays open.
Things to avoid
- Don't tell her to just leaveUltimatums and pressure can make her feel judged, and leaving can be the most dangerous time. Let her lead.
- Don't attack himHarsh criticism of him can push her to defend him and pull away from you. Talk about what you see and how you feel.
- Don't confront himIt can put her at greater risk. If you are worried about her safety, talk with a Hotline advocate first.
- Don't share what she tells youKeep it private unless she asks you to tell someone — or unless she is in immediate danger.
- Don't give up if she stays or goes backIt often takes many tries to leave. Staying in her life may keep one of the few safe places she has.
How to help, safely
- Talk in private, in person if you can, at a time he is not around.
- Ask her the safest way to reach her. Avoid voicemails, texts or emails he might see.
- Offer specific help: a ride, childcare, a place to keep copies of documents, someone to call.
- Keep inviting her to things, even when she says no. Staying connected matters.
- Help her find support when she wants it, and offer to go with her.
- If she is in immediate danger, call 911.
Why she may not leave — yet
It can be hard to watch someone stay. Her reasons are real, and they are often about safety:
- Fear of what he will do
- Money, housing or immigration worries
- The children
- Faith, family or community expectations
- Hope that he will change
- Feeling cut off from people who could help
Leaving is often the most dangerous time. Your patience, and staying in her life, matter more than any single conversation.
You can get support too
The National Domestic Violence Hotline helps friends and family, not just the person being hurt. An advocate can help you think through what to say and how to keep her safe. Look after yourself, too — helping someone through this can take a long time.
The Hotline: getting help for a friend in need